Snarking and proper behavior

[isabelladangelo]

Since this is a topic coming up on my f-list right now:

Imagine a situation where you see someone wearing a yard and a half of canvas with a hole for the head cut out of it over a pair of jeans at an SCA event. You can tell everyone else is chuckling at this individual wearing their "tabbard" and your first reaction is "Oh my God...". Do you just say nothing? You do let this individual continue to be the object of ridicule?

According to far to many on my f-list, sadly, it seems the answer is "Yes! To say something would be rude! You don't know what that persons situation is!" o_0? And you can't ask why?

Yeah, I know I'm going to get flack for this post. Why? Because we are dealing, unfortunately, in a world where "being quite" is somehow considered a good thing -an age of moral relativity to the point that we let anyone do anything and not warn them of consequences. Rather than be another apathetic bystander who is probably snarking the individual on the sidelines, why not snark -get the badness out of your system- and then go and ASK this person if it's their first event. Ask them if they are new. Ask them what their persona is. Ask them if they'd like help. It's not hard and it's not rude to ask, ever. What is rude is to continue ridiculing the person behind their back and never once offer to help them. That's what smacks of a superiority complex- knowing you have the ability to help and never offering it. If they refuse help, then, by all means -open season.

We all need to get some things out of our system once in a while -hence snarking- but we are also obliged to help one another learn in all aspects of life. There are some people that have more experience or better access to materials that others might just not have thought of or have access to yet. We are all on this planet to learn and we learn best from each other.

Comments

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

It takes a very specific personality to be able to pull that off. And I don't think that many at all can make the transition between snarking and helping.

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

This. Exactly this.

[isabelladangelo.livejournal.com]

I just don't believe that is the case. I do know a few people that are socially incompetent -and the percentage is higher in the SCA- but not so much that it would it impossible for them to go up and simply say "Hi, I don't think I've seen you around before. Are you new?" Once you start a conversation, being in the SCA, costuming will almost always come up. There are plenty of ways of showing someone "This is what was worn" without directly saying "You are so wrong it's laughable"

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

Then you're not really talking about snarking, and as far as I can tell, it's snarking and/or telling people what's wrong that people are blogging about.

However, I do think that it's a bad idea to "get the badness out of your system" and then walk right up to somebody. Most people are perceptive to that. Not to mention, if the sight of somebody in a canvas "tabard" inspires badness instead of a desire to be kind, it's just best to walk away. Leave the helping to the people who *don't* have the badness to get out in the first place.

[sewaddicted.livejournal.com]

I don't think most of us would have an issue with this approach. Also don't think this is what I've seen discussed.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between what you've described and going up and telling someone what's wrong with their costume. I've seen the latter happen, and it's not polite, and it's often not useful, because how do you know the person who is giving you "advice" is even correct?

I've also seen this on LJ where someone did a movie costume and it was DONE - and someone else commented on what she did wrong with it and how it was different than the real one. It was DONE - she couldn't undo it - and she may have had reasons for the changes she'd made.

It's people like this that make me feel like I need to put a disclaimer next to everything I post or wear like "yes, I know I did x, and yes, I know I did y, please don't tell me."

I just think it's often rude to give unsolicited advice or criticism on lots of things, not just costumes.

If you're capable of offering advice/help in such a way as to not be rude, more power to you! Asking is possibly a good way to figure out if a person needs/wants help. But it depends how you do it, IMO.

[estela-dufrayse.livejournal.com]

snarking is usually thought of as being rude, in general.

There is a huge difference between snarking, that if need be done, should be done in private, and helping.

I would assume that if someone I don't know showed up at a local event in a canvas tabbard that they are new. I know a good many people here. If that were the case, I would go up, introduce myself and ask if they were with anyone at the event. If so, I'd make discreet inquiries to whether that new person was offered any help...chastizing the people they arrived with if need be, as there are a lot of folks in the know here about costuming.
If not, I'd offer for the person to sit with us at table, offering to share what gear we had.
That's a sure-fire way to make a new friend, help them out. They will ask you for help with costuming sure enough, on their terms.

Save the snarking for people who've been around since dirt was formed and who should know better.

[isabelladangelo.livejournal.com]

Which is what you should do.:-)

Snarking, as I see it, is a first response and always done outside of ear shot. You don't go up to someone you don't know and ask them if they just sewed two of their mom's placemats together to make a tabbard. However, if it's someone you know well... -well, my friends would probably just laugh and tease me about color choices again.

[estela-dufrayse.livejournal.com]

I think if the person is new, you shouldn't snark at all.

If the person should know better, and are touting themselves as experts, then they are opening themselves up to all sorts of abuse, especially if they don't listen to advice kindly offered.

I have an idea of where this post originally came from. There are really too many people out there touting themselves as experts. Very few actually are.

[madamekat.livejournal.com]

That's just it. You can say something if you know the person relatively well. But if the person is already at the event and standing there...why make them feel horrible? Say something to them later on. Next week. Say, "I'm glad you had so much fun last week! Now, would you like help making a great outfit?"

If the person is an experienced costumer, it could be that they are new to that era of time. But if they're going around like their outfit is the be all and end all of the event, someone who knows them should say something...the next week.

[sestree.livejournal.com]

I have no issues with going up to someone and say fixing a tag that's shown (after asking May I?) or giving a comment on something maybe a little off with a compliment on what *does* look right.

Love that tunic - looks great with jeans but you might be cooler with some cotton pants. Cotton breathes and all.

Sometimes just asking "did you make it yourself?" gets a ton of information - sewers do like to talk about their work and how hard/easy/impossible it was.

I don't view either of those as snarking. I save my snarking for the people who buy shoes and can't walk in them or wear fairy costumes which belong more at a pleasure fair than a renfair and you know who I snark to about *those*.

:)

[kaypendragon.livejournal.com]

This kind of discussion (and situation) is one reason why lesson #1 on my list of life lessons that people need to learn is "would it kill you to be polite?"